


Heart still beating but it's not working

by mizuirokandeya



Category: Glee
Genre: AU, Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, Asexuality, M/M, Sexuality Crisis, ace!blaine, asexual!Blaine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-15
Updated: 2014-03-15
Packaged: 2018-01-15 20:29:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1318156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mizuirokandeya/pseuds/mizuirokandeya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a story about asexual!Blaine, how he figures it out and how it changes his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heart still beating but it's not working

**Author's Note:**

> I got the idea when I thought about my own process of figuring out that I am asexual and decided to write it down.
> 
> Warnings:  
> There are some mentions of sex that Blaine does not enjoy but Kurt stops when Blaine asks him to. Also there are some small mentions of Blaine being unhappy with being asexual.

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞  
  
Blaine is 17 when he gets his first kiss.  
  
He’s at a party, one of those were alcohol is involved. And Blaine doesn’t even drink that much but he is pleasantly buzzed, to the point were he doesn’t care what the others think of him. He’s been there for maybe an hour when a guy starts to not just talk to him but  _flirt_ with him. One thing leads to another and they end up dancing with each other. Blaine figures that the guy must at least be bisexual because he pretty soon settles his hands on Blaine’s hips and pulls him close.   
  
Somehow they end up kissing. At first it feels strange because Blaine doesn’t know what to do or how to react. Then it slowly starts to feel good and maybe some of that is the alcohol, but he doesn’t care. Because this is his first time kissing and that in itself is making the experience fantastic.   
  
(Looking back on it he thinks that he should have realized that that was it. That it was just the thrill, of being kissed and being thought of as desirable, that made him feel good.)   
  
At some point Blaine realizes that he isn’t even hard anymore. That he spends more time thinking about what his friends must think of him, than thinking about being kissed and how exciting that is. That he doesn’t even have his eyes closed anymore and that he certainly isn’t that much into it.  
  
By now he is exhausted and thirsty. He didn’t know that kissing was this demanding. So he pulls away and excuses himself to the toilette, secretly hopes the guy won’t follow him, maybe even forget about him in the five minutes he spends in the bathroom staring at his own reflection.  
  
He doesn’t look different. He doesn’t feel different. His lips are red and his cheeks are flushed. That’s it.   
  
(Blaine wonders if that’s all that kissing is supposed to be about.)  
  
∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞  
  
Blaine is 19 when he finally feels as comfortable as he wants to feel in his own body.  
  
It took some time but he knows what he wants from his life and from himself.  
  
(At least he thinks he does.)  
  
Around him a lot of his friends start to pair off with each other or introduce their significant others to their group. They talk about sex more often now. Blaine doesn’t. He sits and listens and that’s it. He doesn’t have any experience except for his first kiss and a blow job he once gave.   
  
(There are also his toys but he won’t admit to his friends that he has them and uses them.)  
  
But he knows a lot about sexual kinks. Everything he stumbled upon made him curious. Everything seemed interesting. Everything seemed to turn him on.   
  
When he gets off to something the second time he realizes that it doesn’t get him going as much as he thought it did.  
  
(But Blaine doesn’t worry about it.)  
  
∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞  
  
Blaine is 20 when he realizes that he is asexual.  
  
He stumbles upon the word by accident.   
  
He’s reading an article for his homework and it’s really boring. So one thing leads to another and before he knows it, he started looking through random links. He ends up on a site with an article about different forms of attraction. He reads it from beginning to end, stops and stares at his Laptop for a minute, then he rereads it and thinks.  
  
He scrolls back to the section about asexuality and reads it a third time.   
  
"An asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction.”   
  
He gets stuck on that sentence.   
  
Sometimes he forgets about it for a few days, maybe even for a few weeks, but somehow he always comes back to that sentence. There is always something there to remind him. No matter what.  
  
Sometimes he gets hit on and just doesn’t know how to react, sometimes his friends invite him to parties and he ends up watching people make out and sometimes it’s just him masturbating that triggers that one sentence to come back.  
  
It makes him look back on his experiences with sex and sexual attraction. It makes him view it through different eyes. And it all seems weirdly clear now.   
  
How kissing always seemed so clinical to him. How that one blow job he gave didn’t turn him on like he thought it would. How he can’t figure out what turns him on and what does not. How nobody seems appealing to him on a sexual level. How he never fantasizes about anyone.   
  
Suddenly everything makes sense.  
  
(He still hopes that he turns out to be demisexual. But deep down inside he knows he won’t.)  
  
∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞  
  
Blaine is still 20 when he realizes that he isn’t comfortable in his own body anymore.  
  
Everything he thought he knew about himself turned out to be a lie. He looks at himself in the mirror and thinks that he doesn’t know himself anymore.   
  
(He thinks that maybe he went wrong somewhere to turn out asexual in the end.)  
  
He’s not as confident as he used to be. He gets uncomfortable when he’s flirted with. He gets uncomfortable when somebody touches him.  
  
(How can they want him? He’s not someone who is sexually attractive. He just isn’t.)  
  
When people say he’s hot and they would sleep with him in a second, he smiles at them, thanks them and says he’s not interested.  
  
(On the inside he’s freaking out.)  
  
Masturbation turns into something clinical. It’s not about sex and fantasizing about it anymore.  
  
(It never was, he realizes.)  
  
It’s simply stress relief and trying to forget about not being turned on by the porn he watches or by the stories he reads.  
  
(He doesn’t know what to do.)  
  
∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞  
  
Blaine is 21 when he meets Kurt.   
  
(By now he mostly accepted his struggle with his sexuality.)  
  
They meet in a coffee shop because that’s were Blaine spends most of his time nowadays. They meet because Blaine drops his folder and his papers flutter everywhere. He’s living on too much coffee and not enough sleep at the moment and that makes him clumsy.   
  
Kurt is the only person who stands up from where he is sitting and helps him collect his stuff. Blaine can’t get over how nice that is of Kurt. Somehow they start a conversation and Blaine realizes that Kurt is flirting with him pretty quickly.   
  
(He got better at realizing that he is being flirted with in the last year. He knows it’s because he needed to know at what point he needs to escape when he goes out to party and somebody wants to take him home.)  
  
This time he doesn’t mind being flirted with.   
  
(It surprises him how comfortable he is with Kurt’s advances and how he even tries to flirt back.)  
  
They go out a few times and it’s pretty clear that they have a connection between them that could turn into something big. Still, Blaine only reluctantly agrees to being Kurt’s boyfriend.   
  
But they simply work and they start being that obnoxious cute couple everybody hates.  
  
(Blaine hopes so much that with their growing connection his attraction to Kurt will grow.)  
  
∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞  
  
They are together for three and a half month when Kurt asks if Blaine ever thinks about taking things in the sexual department further. It’s clear that Kurt wants Blaine. Even Blaine himself can see it. He can see how Kurt watches him sometimes. It makes him a little uncomfortable to be honest.   
  
(He doesn’t view himself like that. In his own eyes he’s still not something that is pleasing to look at on a sexual level.)  
  
Blaine jokes about how that is the reason they invented masturbation. Kurt laughs and gets up off the bed, were he spent the last minutes lounging, and joins Blaine were he is dancing by himself.  
  
(Blaine knows that he finds Kurt aesthetically pleasing, hopes so much that it turns into sexual attraction.)  
  
Later that evening Blaine confesses that he is a virgin. He asks Kurt to give him some more time and Kurt is fine with that, says he knows that everybody has their own tempo at which they want to go and he will wait and support Blaine.   
  
He doesn’t know that Blaine is still hoping that he suddenly starts to be sexually attracted to Kurt.  
  
(Two weeks later they say I love you for the first time and Blaine gives in and admits to himself that he is not going to be sexually attracted to Kurt.)  
  
∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞  
  
Blaine and Kurt are together for seven month when Kurt takes Blaine’s virginity.   
  
(By now Blaine knows again that he is attractive. He just looks at being attractive in another way than everybody else.)  
  
They’ve been working up to it for a few weeks now. Letting hands wander and touch were they never did before and sometimes even grinding their bodies together, only to stop before it got to be too much.  
  
Blaine feels excited, wants to know what the evening will bring him. He tries his best to be positive about it.   
  
And Kurt is so careful with his touches and his preparations that Blaine truly enjoys it.   
  
(When it’s over and they are cuddling with each other, Blaine is honestly surprised by  _how much_  he enjoyed it.)  
  
When he is preparing breakfast the next morning, he thinks about it and tries to analyze if he was turned on by Kurt or by the foreign feeling of someone else’s hands on his body. He doesn’t get very far in his thought process because Kurt joins him soon after.  
  
(Blaine gets his answer two weeks later when he realizes that with every time Kurt touches him during sex, the feeling of it being unknown and arousing lessens.  
  
What stays is the intimacy of it and how safe it makes Blaine feel to be so important to someone. )  
  
∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞  
  
Blaine and Kurt are sleeping with each other for the seventh time when Blaine comes out to him.  
  
By now they have talked about kinks.  
  
(Blaine knows that he stumbled over his own words for other reasons than embarrassment.)  
  
Kurt had made it pretty clear that he sometimes likes to be a little rough and dominant and Blaine said, that he was interested in trying out a lot of things and wouldn’t mind.  
  
(In reality he just wants to find something that without fail turns him on.)  
  
The seventh time they have sex it’s rougher than before. Kurt had been acting rather possessive of Blaine the whole evening and Blaine was pleasantly surprised by the rare feeling of arousal that had hit him.  
  
(The first time he ever really felt that was when they were making out while lying down for the first time.)  
  
So Blaine lets Kurt do his thing and hopes the feeling stays.  
  
When they get home that evening Kurt is on Blaine immediately, pushing and pulling at his clothes and kissing and biting whatever part of Blaine’s skin he can get to. Kurt even starts to whisper about all the things he wants to do to him in Blaine’s ear.   
  
That’s the point where Blaine starts to get uncomfortable.  
  
(None of those things seem appealing suddenly.)  
  
When they are in bed, Kurt asks Blaine to turn on his stomach. From then on everything seems to go downhill.  
  
It takes until Kurt is fucking into him, hard and deep, before Blaine realizes that he can’t do it, that he has to stop, that his body doesn’t react to Kurt’s touches the way he wants it to.  
  
He feels the tears build in his eyes, when he realizes he isn’t hard anymore. He feels his body tense up and he hears Kurt moan. He hears himself asking Kurt to please pull out, to please stop. He hears himself say that it hurts.  
  
Kurt is off of him in a second and pulling him upright. Blaine hears him talking, asking what’s wrong and how he can help. But Blaine just shakes his head, stumbles off the bed and locks himself in the bathroom.   
  
(Deep down he feels like he just ruined everything.)  
  
It takes Blaine a few minutes to calm down enough to clean up and unlock the door. Kurt is sitting on the bed, head in his hands but jumps up the second he hears Blaine. He looks like he wants to touch Blaine but doesn’t know if it’s okay. Blaine is thankful that Kurt lets him decide if he wants to be touched. And god does he want to be held by Kurt now.  
  
(He wants to get back the intimacy he missed while they had sex this time.)  
  
So he hugs him and Kurt hugs him back, they don’t talk.  
  
Only when they have laid down again, underneath the covers and in their underwear, Blaine starts to talk.   
  
(It’s the first time he tells someone that he is asexual.)  
  
He tells Kurt his story about realizing that he’s never been sexually attracted to anybody and Kurt listens from beginning to end.   
  
He even tells him, how he sometimes thought that he could still be demisexual, that his mind and body just didn’t react to Kurt that way. He tells him, how stupid he felt for thinking that, when Kurt smiled at him. Because if what they have wasn’t love then he didn’t know what was.  
  
When he stops talking Kurt pulls him as close as he can and Blaine lets him.  
  
They fall asleep like that.  
  
∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞  
  
The next morning Blaine wakes up with Kurt still curled around him.  
  
(For a second he thinks last night was a dream.)  
  
He tries to fall back asleep but gives up a few minutes later. So he just keeps lying there and enjoys Kurt’s arms around him because he doesn’t know what will happen when Kurt wakes up.  
  
(He lies there for an hour.)  
  
Kurt waking up brings an uncomfortable silence with it at first. But after a few minutes Kurt starts to ask him stuff. And Blaine answers as best as he can.  
  
But Kurt has a lot of questions, so they talk and talk. At some point they change positions from cuddling in bed to sitting across from each other on the couch in the living room.  
  
(And every second, that Kurt does not mention breaking up with him, makes Blaine relax more and more.)  
  
When Blaine feels like he can’t talk anymore he gives Kurt some sites on the internet where he can read about asexuality some more.   
  
(He is so happy when Kurt says he is going to look at them over the next few days.)  
  
They make a late lunch together and eat it in a comfortable silence.  
  
Later Kurt sends him home with a tight hug and the promise to call him over the next few days.  
  
(Kurt also gives him a smile, that leaves Blaine feeling confident, that Kurt won’t just give up what they have.)  
  
∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞  
  
Kurt calls him two and a half days later and asks to meet up.  
  
(Blaine doesn’t tell Kurt but he cries for a few minutes after they have hung up because he is so fucking happy.)  
  
The first thing Kurt makes clear, after he let Blaine into his apartment, is that they are not going to break up.   
  
(Blaine knows, that his face has to look ridiculous with his mouth split into huge smile and his eyes tearing up again.)  
  
They settle down. They start to talk.  
  
It’s mostly just a simple cycle of questions and responses, but there are so many important things they talk about.   
  
They talk about setting new rules for being intimate.   
  
They talk about Blaine’s comfort zone when it comes to sexual things, if kissing is okay or not, if he wants to never again have sex or if he’s okay with it on some occasions, if there is anything that he likes about sex from an objective view.   
  
They talk about Kurt, how he feels about this situation, how he feels at the prospect of having a relative simple, practically non-existent sex life, how he is going to deal with it.  
  
(It makes Blaine happy to realize, that he and Kurt both think that the intimacy between them is more important than the sex in itself.)  
  
They talk about the future, how there is the possibility of fights, how they are going to deal with those, how they are both sure that they will get through everything.  
  
They talk about Blaine’s struggles to fully accept his sexuality, how it’s going to affect their relationship, how Kurt can help, how Blaine dealt with it up until now.  
  
(And Blaine knows accepting his sexuality is a process but with Kurt at his side, he has someone, who loves him every second of his way to getting there.)  
  
∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞  
  
Blaine is twenty-two when he is finally comfortable with himself again.  
  
(He still has some bad days but they are rare.)  
  
By now he and Kurt have been in a relationship for more than a year and have moved in together.  
  
They argue sometimes. It’s mostly about small things, like who’s supposed to buy groceries.   
  
But sometimes it’s about Blaine.   
  
Sometimes it’s about how Kurt loves him so much but doesn’t know what to do anymore. Because he knows Blaine loves him, but sometimes it feels to Kurt like he is using Blaine somehow. He brings up the point of their rare sexual encounters, how it’s always Kurt taking, taking, taking from Blaine but never really giving anything back.  
  
(And god Blaine understands what Kurt is trying to tell him but at the same time Kurt doesn’t  _understand_.)  
  
And Blaine explains him again and again, that he is fine with this, that Kurt gives back in different ways, like flowers or hugs. And Blaine knows that Kurt understands what he is saying. It’s just difficult to get used to it. They are both new to a relationship that is not based on the generalized romantic story you read and hear about everywhere.   
  
(Hell, Blaine is still kind of new to relationships on the whole.)  
  
They know that they still have a lot of work to do and some holes to navigate around in the future.  
  
But in the end it’s worth it.  
  
(It’ll always will be.)  
  
∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

**Author's Note:**

> [Read/Reblog on Tumblr](http://mizuirokandeya.tumblr.com/post/79608413936/heart-still-beating-but-its-not-working)


End file.
